After the period of my flashbacks and nightmares, I suffered from intense depression and anxiety. It caused me such pain that I finally saw a therapist. I told her everything I told you and she put me on depression and anxiety medication. I saw her for three years and we tried so many medications during that time. She finally despaired of helping me and told me I was no longer able to work and should go on disability. The paperwork for applying for disability is a nightmare and in my state of illness, it took me a month of constant work to complete it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had to do small sections and then sometimes redo them and the sections were never ending. It also required a memory that was much better than I now had. I did my best and sent it out. It was approved.
Being out of work relieved much of the pressure in my life, but it did not cure the depression or anxiety. I decided to try a different doctor. I was agoraphobic, which for those who don’t know, is a condition that makes it extremely hard to leave the house. I was terribly afraid of being outside and afraid I would have a panic attack in front of people and be taken to the hospital. Going to the doctor was the one thing I did during this period of months.
I went to a new doctor and spent a long time telling him about what had happened in my childhood as well as the adult maladies I suffered from. His diagnosis shocked me to the core. He said I was bipolar, had ADD, ADHD, severe depression, acute anxiety and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). My mind was overwhelmed and I felt like I was in shock. The doctor told me that all these problems stemmed from what I had been subjected to in my childhood. He wrote me quite a few prescriptions and I remember standing outside of his office feeling like I was crumbling. I couldn’t take it all in and I didn’t want to believe I was that ill. I went to that doctor for a year and a half while he prescribed all kinds of antipsychotic medicines for me. It was a nightmare. I was constantly having hallucinations, hearing voices and seeing familiar objects change. For instance, I watched little lights swirl around the room. I kept telling the doctor what was happening and he’d change me to another medicine. The next medicine would have its own set of side effects. I was literally going between my bed and the coach and was useless around the house. I couldn’t get up the energy to take a shower so it would be a week in between them. I was afraid of the shower too, so that didn’t help.
At this time I moved to another part of the state and began to see another doctor. I wanted to get a fresh look at my condition, so I didn’t tell her the diagnosis of the other doctor and she saw me a couple times before giving me her diagnosis. To my dismay, she told me I was bipolar. She, however, was a doctor who believed that the fewer pills the better and tried to stay away from the most extreme medicines. I was with her for a year and did not have the side effects that I had previously. I still had the disabling depression and anxiety.